Valentine's Day, February 2004

This just in. It seems that the Rover on Mars has picked up a signal
coming from one of the planets in the Alpha Centauri system. The
signal was relayed back to earth where it was deciphered into a
message. The message, as it turns out, is from an alien on that
planet! Our first contact with an alien life-form! This, as you can
imagine, is earth shattering news! NASA has delivered the message to
top government officials all over the world. This message will then be
broadcast to every man, woman, and child on our own dear earth.
I happened to get this news ahead of the scheduled broadcast, and so
you selected few individuals have the exclusive privilege of hearing
this extraterrestrial news first.
Now unfortunately I was unable to obtain the actual contents of the
message, but I was able to get a paraphrased summary of this
extraordinary alien narrative, which I will now relate to you:
It seems this alien has a wife, on his planet. As it turns out his
wife's name is Betsy. The message also tells us that they also
(coincidentally) celebrate Valentine's Day, although they celebrate it
on January 14th not in February. But because of the great distance
that this message has traveled, the news (yet again coincidentally) has
arrived with us on our own Valentine's Day. Now, to celebrate their
Valentine's Day, this alien (Fred, as it turns out) decided to name a
star after his wife as a thoughtful and romantic present. Strangely
enough, the star he picked to name after his wife (Betsy) was our own
dear sun! Now because this romantic gift is actually officially logged
into their alien astronomical charts and documents, in the interest of
galactic peace, they advise us to do the same. Therefore we are now to
refer to our own sun, from here on, as Betsy.
This, as you can probably imagine, will have a vast impact on our
culture. Sunrise and Sunset will now be known as Betsyrise and
Betsyset. The sun will no longer hide behind the clouds, but Betsy
will. In the summertime everyone will be wearing Betsyglasses and
enjoying the Betsyshine. At the beach everyone will be wearing
Betsyblock so that they don't get Betsyburned. Our morning eggs will
have to be cooked Betsy-side up. And we'll have to remind our children
to not look directly at Betsy. Our world will quickly become one of
the strangest places under the Betsy.
But then I suppose it's all just some sort of elaborate revenge. After
all, Fred and Betsy have to deal with a sun named Alpha Centauri.

Happy Valentine's Day! - Solomon.